You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize