I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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