WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize