Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
