Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
