I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
