her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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