I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
