I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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