seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
