I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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