During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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