And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
