speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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