Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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