If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
