does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
