just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
