This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
