it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
