So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
