Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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