pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
