I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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