Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
