My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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