I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
