I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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