stop calling my apartment porn island.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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