note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
