Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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