I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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