They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
