she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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