just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
