Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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