If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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