Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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