Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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