Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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