I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
