Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
