9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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