where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
