3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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