I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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