Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
