Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
