Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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