then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He shit in the fireplace
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