She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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