enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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