Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
