my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
