you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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