I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
