I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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