i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
