hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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