I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
