I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize