Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
