I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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