shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
