Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
PS: I just woke up from my shower
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
