see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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