There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
