i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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