We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
