Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I currently don't understand fingers.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
