I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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