your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
