The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
