can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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