currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
