I wish I only lived at night.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
